Women Are Like Voltron
by RenaRoo
Summary: [Voltron AU] What if...


Based off the amazing fanart made by creatrixanimi you can see here [ creatrixanimi tumblr com / post/ 158010806432 ]

Red vs Blue and related properties © Rooster Teeth  
story © RenaRoo

 **Women Are Like Voltron**

Tucker, almost _despite_ himself, ended up asleep in his bunk at the Garrison by ten o'clock.

He hadn't planned on it, after all, who _plans_ on those sorts of things when you're a teenage _ace pilot_ , but as it turned out, being chewed out by some of the officers for a failed simulation took a lot more energy out of him than he liked to admit. And he just hadn't had the same kind of energy since they started the semester without his rival and number one object of his jealous affections, Carolina, had decided to drop from the program completely.

Like, who even _did_ that?

So Tucker was more than happy to settle in for a long sleep and was halfway through a snore when a pillow hit him so hard in the face he nearly screamed as he leaped out of the bed.

"AH! What the fuck—"

Grif's hand was over his mouth before another word could come out and the mechanic was leering at him with a finger to his lips. "Tucker, do you not know how to keep your voice down? Fucksake."

Throwing Grif's hand from his mouth forcefully, Tucker squinted back at him. "Do you not know how to _wake someone_ without scaring the shit out of them? Like what the hell, Grif!?"

"I've been your roommate long enough that I know not to reach my hand anywhere around your bunk when you turn in early," Grif responded flatly. "There was a _maybe_ ten percent chance that you were actually sleeping."

Having already lost most of the anger that he had first exploded with, Tucker sighed and slipped down from his bunk all the same with a shrug. "Alright, got me there. But what's the emergency? I mean, after a shitty day like we all just had, don't you think it'd be best if we just turned in before curfew and left things alone?"

"Yeah, believe me, there's _nothing_ I'd rather be doing after getting our asses chewed as thoroughly as ours were today," Grif replied flatly.

"Then what gives?" Tucker asked before looking around and realizing that there was a very important part of the equation currently not present: their third roommate. "And where the fuck's Simmons?"

"Probably where he always is when he pulls this shit," Grif scoffed. "But we're one unmet curfew away from the Garrison _really_ throwing the book at us so I figure if we _don't_ want that to happen—"

"Which we don't," Tucker agreed.

"Then we better grab him and drag his scrawny ass back here," Grif said before heading toward the door. "Besides… it's just… it's not _healthy_ , y'know?"

"Staring at a computer screen for thirty hours a day _without_ spanking it? Yeah totally." Tucker answered grabbing his favorite jacket while Grif groaned.

"Forget it, let's just go get him."

* * *

"Oh my god, how many times do we have to tell you that you don't have to go on the roof in order to watch your porn?"

Simmons nearly leaped out of his own skin in response to the sudden interruption. Fortunately, on instinct, he slammed his laptop shut before whirling around to the genuinely unsurprising towering forms of Grif and Tucker. Trying to get his heart rate back in order, Simmons breathed a sigh of relief and ran his hands down the sides of his face.

"Grif! Don't sneak up on me like that, you know I have a nervous condition," he said, pushing up from the roof to stand with his roommates.

"And _you_ know there's nothing I hate more than being awake when I _could_ be asleep, so how about you go back to our room already so we don't all end up in trouble?" Grif ordered like a mother hen.

Tucker yawned widely and fanned a hand over his mouth. "Is this lover's quarrel wrapped up yet? My desire to get my ass chewed again today is not as high as it normally is."

Grif looked at Tucker with an arched brow. "You keep using that phrase. I'm pretty sure you don't mean it the way it sounds."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Tucker asked. The attention of the pilot didn't linger on the issue long, however, as he quickly turned his sights on Simmons instead. He squinted and pointed accusingly at him. "What're you doing up here anyway? Is it _just_ to be a major pain in our asses and maybe get us kicked out of school forever? Because _some of us_ were well on our ways there without your help, nerd!"

"I'm not a nerd!" Simmons declared as he pushed his glasses further up his nose. He then glared at Grif. "And I'm not watching porn!"

"What're you doing if you're neither of those things, though?" Grif asked.

Ignoring the sarcasm, Simmons adjusted his glasses again and then pulled his laptop up against his chest so he could open the screen up to them. "I noticed in class today that all the satellites here have fixed on a singular anomaly heading this way from space. And it's been coming in _fast._ Which is probably why the teachers were so pissed off in class earlier. Something _big_ is going on, and it's heading this way."

"Nerd shit, I knew it," Tucker responded.

"Simmons, they were _pissed_ because you were hacking into the government's satellites and they couldn't figure out _who had the balls,"_ Grif determined. "See? Case closed!"

"I'm being serious!" Simmons cried out.

"So are we!" the other two yelled in return.

Before the stupidity of the argument could move the scales even further, there was a ear popping sound in the sky, like the clouds bursting with thunder. They all three flinched at it before turning to face the source, seeing a fiery object searing across the skies and toward the deserts surrounding the Garrison.

Grif and Tucker's jaws hung open and Simmons leaped in the air, punching out excitedly. "I knew it! See! You called me a nerd but I was _right!_ Something was heading this way the whole time—"

"Holy shit, let's get out there!" Tucker demanded, racing toward the edge of the building that sloped.

"Wait what," Simmons said.

"Yeah double for me," Grif continued.

Tucker turned back and waved them forward. "You said something _big_ was heading this way, and I _didn't_ make a dong joke. Know why? Because it sounds like something actually _interesting_ is heading this way for once! Now c'mon! Or are ya just going to wait until bed check for them to bone us?"

Grif and Simmons glanced to each other before Grif sighed and reluctantly followed.

"Well, it _is_ likely to be life changing!" Simmons concluded before slamming his laptop closed and following his roommates.

* * *

Carolina knew there was a _tremendous_ chance before she ever landed her craft that everything was about to blow up in her face and she had made a costly, ridiculous mistake. A rational thought that she quickly put to rest by draping a scarf over the bridge of her nose and trying to pretend that wearing the exact same wardrobe she had worn in school wasn't going to get her recognized by anyone from the Garrison.

Her _best_ bet was to simply act fast.

The military had already tented off the landing sight, but she could hear the familiar voice from within.

It was _Washington._ She knew it!

"I'm telling you! I don't know what they did to me— please! I can't… let go of me!"

Her eyes narrowed as she snuck closer to the tent entrance and was able to peer in. Everyone was in full hazmat suits which limited their line of sight. In between them was Washington himself — looking mortified, struggling against those holding him down, and ultimately restrained until he was injected with something — no doubt a sedative — that caused him to slump back against the examination table.

What struck her the most about it all, however, was that Washington's arm, closest to her, was… strange. Reflectively metallic and unlike anything she had seen before. And _definitely_ not something that she had seen Washington have back when he was a senior cadet.

The moment a few of the guards left toward the larger structure, seemingly thinking that a sedated Washington posed no more threat, Carolina took her chance to act.

Without mercy, Carolina launched an attack on the doctors standing over Washington, easily kicking them aside, knocking one flat over their instrument table. The clatter was loud enough that even the heavily sedated Washington was looking in her direction, somewhat aware of the commotion.

"Who… Caro…" he began just before Carolina grabbed the instrument table and flung it at the helmet of the doctor almost getting up.

"Not now, save your strength," she told Washington sternly before grabbing his good arm and looping it over her shoulder. Carolina spared a glance toward the metallic arm again before hoisting Washington onto his feet and half-pulling, half- _dragging_ him out of the tent.

Guards were already heading their way, but fortunately Carolina had foreseen as much and parked her hovercraft nearby. With just the two of them, there should have been a smooth getaway—

She stopped them in her track when she saw that her ship was crawling with three other teenagers.

"What the hell," she said flatly before glancing toward the sounds of the guards approaching.

"Holy shit, is that _Agent Washington!_ I saw him at his graduation!" the one in blue called out excitedly. "Holy shit, dude. Aren't you Carolina—"

"We don't have time for talk!" she snapped at him before al but throwing Washington over the back of the craft where the other two teens were sitting. She ignored their yelp and leaped to the driver's seat, kicking the blue to the passenger seat before starting up the craft and taking off just short of some gunfire.

"They're shooting at us! They're _shooting_ at us!" the maroon wearing student cried out.

"Typically they do that to outlaws!" Carolina snapped.

"Sweet, I knew I'd become infamous one day without having to lift a single finger," the larger orange guy cracked a joke.

"Carolina, can you make this faster?" the blue asked.

"Only if we got rid of the unnecessary weight," she said dryly.

To her subtle amusement, he looked around before dropping his shoulders and frowning at her. "You mean _us_ , don't you?"

"Yeah, I do," Carolina said simply. "And how do you know my name?"

"How do I… What do you _mean_ how do I know your name? I'm Lavernius Tucker! Your biggest rival! Your only challenge to the seat of _best pilot_ in the class!" he cried out.

Keeping focused on getting to their next destination, Carolina thought about the claim only for a moment before responding. "Nope. I have no idea who you are."

"I'm the guy who smacked your ass one time and you broke my fingers—"

Carolina looked at him in anger. "What the hell? _You_ were my rival?"

"Ha! Knew I'd made an impression," Tucker preened.

* * *

Grif seemed to be the only one not impressed either with their renegade former classmate _or_ the barely conscious man who had fallen from space. To be fair, even _he_ was a bit surprised at the lack of reaction he felt toward these things, but what can anyone do?

"Right, so you sounded like you had some sort of destination in mind," Grif said to Carolina as he shoved Washington off on Simmons again. "Is that going to be anywhere soon because it's past midnight now and, dunno if anyone else noticed, but I didn't get a midnight snack."

Carolina looked over her shoulder at him and raised an eyebrow before continuing to drive.

"Yeah, not answering instills _very_ little faith in this kidnapping gone backwards," Grif said flatly. He looked to Simmons and Tucker for some sort of support. "Okay, are we just gonna let this fly or…?"

"We don't know what's going on," Tucker shrugged.

"That's supposed to make me _more_ confident in just riding along?" Grif asked critically. He then looked to Simmons who, with the senior cadet who had once been lost, now was found drooling on his shoulder, and saw that the resident nerd was pulling out his computer and typing erratically. "Dude, _so_ not the time for whatever weird fetish porn this is reminding you of—"

"Grif, it's not porn! It's…" Simmons shook his head violently, knocking Washington back toward Grif's side of the back seat. "Never mind, this is obviously beyond you and Tucker."

"Hey! Probably true but still _hey!"_ Tucker yelled in protest.

Simmons redirected his attention to Carolina. "You're heading toward that secondary pulse. The one that's been active ever since the thing with Washington landed, aren't you?"

Carolina glanced back at them and nodded. "You might be the only addition to this crew that's worth your weight."

Grif narrowed his eyes. "Is that a fat joke?"

By the time they got toward the destination that Carolina and Simmons had been tracking, the sun was completely up, and the desert heat was working on both Grif's thirst _and_ his appetite. But most encouraging of the changes was that Washington had fully woken up which meant he wasn't drooling on them anymore. A feat that Grif could not have been more proud of.

He had been quiet and reflective at first. But slowly, as he seemed more able to focus, his attention turned on Carolina. "You're… you're one of the cadets I trained with," he said slowly. "Carolina… you saved me back there. Thanks."

She glanced at him and nodded, bringing them to a stop just outside of a cavern. "You're welcome."

"Hey! I was in the training program too!" Tucker complained, waving to himself dramatically.

"I remember," Wash said back. "Lavernius, right?"

"Fuck yeah," Tucker boasted, grinning at the others. "First name basis."

"Oh my god _finally_ we've stopped," Grif whined, leaning back to stretch himself. "I hope you have some food or something in this hideout."

"It's not a hideout," Carolina said, jumping off the craft and then helping Washington out. "It's the next location to give off that signal we're interested in—"

"But what's at the other end of that signal?" Simmons asked, following with his laptop in hand.

"We won't know until we get there," Carolina said, leading the pack.

Grif scowled. "Right. The way _every_ good idea starts. With complete nonsense." All the same, he reluctantly followed the rest because he sure as hell wasn't getting caught by any military police that managed to follow them to that point. At least not without anyone who could take the fall should he need to point fingers.

But even the cave seemed to be unending until, at last, the trickle of water could be heard — unmistakable and all but calling out to Grif as he let out a noise of complete relief.

"About time! I was gonna _die_ of thirst," he declared, immediately heading toward the body of water, dropping to his knees by the flowing water, and taking big gulps at once from his hands. He was so content at first he hardly noticed the ferocious snarling lion's face in the reflection. Until he did and then fell back in a yelp and looked up to be met by—

"There's a fucking giant blue puma machine… zord… _thing!"_ he shouted as if the others couldn't see it.

"Nice observation, dumbass," Simmons snapped. "Besides, it looks _way_ more like a puma."

"Is it safe?" Carolina asked Washington.

"I… have no idea," Wash replied truthfully.

Grif was about to joke about the very _notion_ that something like a giant robotic lion could be safe when, to his surprise, Tucker walked directly toward the visible field surrounding the lion. "Dude, what the fuck are you doing?"

Tucker looked back and offered a giant shrug before continuing right through the field. "I don't know how to explain it but… I think me and the lion dude are totally chill."

They all watched in surprise as the field dropped after Tucker entered it. Then the lion _moved._ It made very animalistic noises before lowering down on its front legs and opening its mouth wider as Tucker approached.

The others, to Grif's chagrin, followed after.

"What the hell? So we're just going to offer ourselves up as snacks?" Grif demanded. "Am I the only one with a functioning brain here—"

"I hear voices! They're down this way!"

The sounds of boots racing in their direction from the tunnels called Grif to shout before he rose to his own feet and raced past Washington and Simmons into the lion's insides.

Within the lion, things were very much like a ship, the halls were tight, but just within the very skull of the lion itself there was a compartment with a single pilot's seat.

"It's… a _ship?"_ Grif asked just before Tucker plopped down in his seat.

"More like it's _my_ ship!" Tucker laughed, grabbing onto the handles and looking around. Everything lit up beneath his touch, causing the pilot's eyes to widen. "Whoa."

"Okay, not to side with Grif, but should we be doing all this—" Simmons began to point out.

There was gunfire just outside the lion and every light around them reflexively became a bright red, warning sirens blaring around them.

Washington looked around. "Everyone hold on!" he ordered

Suddenly, the entire machine began shifting, the head tilting back as it released a mighty roar.

"Tucker, stop that!" Washington ordered as they all stumbled at the shifting.

"I-I'm not doing it!" Tucker warned just before the lion roared again and began hurdling through the cave, bursting through rocks which blocked its size.

Everyone held on to what they could, for Grif that being the back of Tucker's chair and partially his jacket. Everyone was screaming and in shock as the lion bounded out of the cave system and suddenly opened up boosters they hadn't even realized were there, sending itself and them propelling into the sky at a speed that could hardly be measured.

"What is going _on!?"_ Grif cried out just before the lion roared again, opening a dense, white space before them that the lion immediately entered.

And suddenly, a knowledge of pop culture was useful in letting Grif know that they hadn't only jumped into hyperspace but had gone _straight to plaid_ as far as jumping through hyperspace was concerned.

The screaming continued. And there was no telling what or _who_ was going to be on the other side.

…


End file.
